Haitian Migrants Invade Small Ohio Town, Reportedly Eat Neighbors’ Cats

The story begins as many 21^st-century Midwestern Rust Belt ones do, with a hollowed-out city abandoned by the manufacturing sector for greener offshore pastures where multinational “American” corporations can pay Indonesian orphans 12 cents/hour with no OHSA regulations and definitely no 401(k) programs.

Then a wave of manufacturing re-investment returned, only that — golly gee — there weren’t enough workers.

So the rational neoliberal solution was to import them from somewhere called Haiti.

Accordingly, over the past four years, 20,000 Haitian “migrants” swarmed Springfield, Ohio (2020 population: 58,000).

Much cultural enrichment and infrastructure collapse ensued.

Via Daily Mail (emphasis added):

“Japanese vehicle parts maker Topre was one of the first to arrive in 2017, followed by a microchip manufacturer, a logistics company, and many more.

About 8,000 new jobs were created by 2020, and they have only increased since then. But there were not enough workers to fill them.

Then Haitian immigrants elsewhere in the US, who were in the country legally, heard Springfield needed workers.

Willing to do the blue-collar jobs locals were unenthusiastic about and keen to pay lower rent than in big cities, they arrived in droves.

About 20,000 came in just a few years, swelling the town’s population – which was just 58,000 in the 2020 census.”

According to residents, as shocking as it might be, it seems the process of cultural assimilation has hit a few snags.

As you might imagine, a 20,000 jump in population over a few years in a population of under 60,000 strained the housing supply.

Via ABC 33 40 (emphasis added):

“Large numbers of people entering or living in America illegally are exacerbating the housing crisis, including in areas like Ohio far from the border.

City Manager Bryan Heck of Springfield sent an urgent letter requesting federal aid to U.S. Sens. Tim Scott, R-S.C., and Sherrod Brown, D-Ohio. Despite the city’s ongoing advancements in housing projects, the sheer number of migrants arriving and residing in the area has strained resources to their limits.”

Via the letter (emphasis added):

“The City of Springfield, Ohio is facing a significant housing crisis in our community. Many factors have played in to where we are today, but without significant support at the Federal level, I believe, that the situation and the need for housing in our community will become much worse. 

The City of Springfield and its partners have been proactively working towards solutions for this crisis since a Housing Consortium made up of both public and private sector leaders formed in 2018. This led to two macro-level studies focused on addressing the housing situation prepared by the Greater Ohio Policy Center on behalf of Springfield. This identified the challenges that Springfield’s Housing Market faced, while also identifying key initiatives, policies, and programs that our community could implement to address the situation. 

Many of the recommendations have been adopted and put into practice, and we have seen positive results. But most recently, Springfield has seen a surge in population through immigration that has significantly impacted our ability as a community to produce enough housing opportunities for all. Springfield’s Haitian population has increased to 15,000 – 20,000 over the last four years in a community of just under 60,000 previous residents, putting a significant strain on our resources and ability to provide ample housing for all of our residents. Despite 2000 additional housing units set to come online over the next three to five years, this is still not enough.”

Of course, the unbearable burden on the housing supply is bad enough. But just to add an extra level of Mad Max-style dystopia into the equation…

You’ll notice, if you travel, that street dogs are a constant throughout the Third World — particularly in places with warm climates year-round.

But Lao Cai, Vietnam, just on the border with China is noticeably devoid of them. I was once driving my motorbike innocently enough down the road on a breezy afternoon, only to come upon a dog corpse roasting under the hot sun atop a pile of burning twigs.

I would share the photo I took, but it’s obscene and this is a family publication.

Related: Notes From Exile: ‘Heart of Darkness’

“You can take the Haitian out of the medieval squalor, but you can’t take the medieval squalor out of the Haitian,” my Midwestern Irish-Catholic grandmammy once advised me over the full-volume blare of Murder, She Wrote on her television from the moon landing era.

Per the account of one resident — and there is no solid corroborating evidence that this is true, but let’s not pretend it’s not plausible — the new Americans kidnapped her cat and hung it up on a tree like butchered swine to carve up for meat.

Bush meat is an ancient African tradition, after all, so let’s not feign shock.

We respect Diversity™ here at Armageddon Prose, so if that means Fluffy has to bite the bullet, we’re just going to have to say our Hail Marys and send her spirit to the Lord — if you believe loyal pets go to Heaven, as I like to — and her body to the Haitians’ intestines.

Render unto Cesar.

In what appears to be corroborating evidence of the above claims, there’s an image circulating heavily on Twitter/X of an apparent Haitian strolling down the streets of Springfield clutching several duck corpses, for what purpose we can only guess.

Ben Bartee is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.

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