Did you ever give a gift that the receiver did not like? It’s surely happened. Sometimes the person can fake it. Good. Maybe honesty in this case is worse. If it has happened to you, you know. It is devastating when a person flat-out says: “I consider this tacky and don’t really want it.”
That is a real blow. Why does that affect us so much, even to the point that it provokes memorable trauma, even a lifetime of resentment? It’s because of the real purpose of a gift. It’s all about conveying to another person that he or she is valuable and valued.
If that does not work, and the person turns it back on you with an implicit disparagement of your efforts and thought, it surely amounts to among the worst-possible insults.
Long reflection after years in management and working with others has taught me the following. Most unhappy people are that way for one main reason: they consider themselves to be insufficiently valued by others. And there is a second part: that is always true.
Think about the messaging you hear from family members and co-workers when they are complaining about something. It could be anything. It nearly always comes down to the belief that their efforts are not appreciated. Even salary increases cannot substitute for a genuine belief that others truly appreciate who you are and what you do.
When people do feel valued—when they are ennobled by others—they will always go the extra mile or ten. Being valued by others provides extra energy, enthusiasm, and the willingness to sacrifice. It could be doing a day of yardwork instead of golfing. It could be doing an all-nighter to get the work project done. It could be spending the hours following the dinner party cleaning up and making the place spotless. It can even be financial: giving up your hard-earned money for others.
Regardless, feeling value is like a narcotic. It inspires you to new heights. That’s a major part of what it feels like to be in love: it’s the emotional rendering of the perception that someone else really gets you and wants you to know it. Feeling love is like being granted the ultimate gift of being valued for who you are.
