According to data from Nielsen Media Research about 32 million people, on average, were watching the New Year come in live on ABC, CBS and CNN as the clock struck midnight to welcome 2025. Some 10% of those viewers were watching CNN with hosts Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen giving CNN its fourth best day on record for 2024 even though 3 million does not seem very good to most of us.
One reason for that improvement in viewership was no doubt the appearance of comedian Whitney Cummings. CNN (seemingly) let her go wild for ratings and it was marvelous!
“Roast of 2024 – Live! CNN New Year’s Eve” – Whitney Cummings
“I do believe we need to hold 2024 accountable for its behavior. That is what white women do now, we point out other things that are toxic cause we don’t get ironies and that is our truth.
This was the year that people were behaving so poorly, we started being wistful about murderers. Remember this was the year we were like, ‘Were the Menendez brothers so bad? We’re we too hard on the Menendez brothers?’ This was the year we could not get enough of murderers.
Gypsy Rose became our favorite celebrity because murdering your mom is so brat. They had her on a red carpet, red carpet a little on the nose for a murderer, but she was like posing in a fancy dress we were like, ‘Slay!’, and she was like, ‘I did.’
And of course our heartthrob of the year was the alleged cold blooded killer named Luigi who is now in the same prison as Diddy which I’m very upset about cause Luigi, he already has a lower back issue.
This was the year nothing made sense. Fertility was down, sales of baby oil was up. White supremacy groups reached record highs. It got so bad Ariana Grande became white again.
2024 totally broke our brains. Half the people I know think we’re in a simulation. I’m starting to wonder… When I go to a website, and it asks me if I’m a robot or not, half the time I get the quiz wrong. I’m like, ‘Does the shadow of a bike count as a bike?’ I don’t know. Why am I looking at a grainy photo of a crack house? We just… it’s all broke mentally.
This year things got so bleak we started watching the WNBA… was that… what happened? And we also started watching older women in movies, equality or insanity? You tell me. Demi Moore was in a movie called ‘The Substance’ showing that Hollywood’s ready for a woman in her 50s to star in a movie as long as a hot 28-year-old wears a leotard for most of it. Pam Anderson’s getting Oscar buzz for a movie she did wearing no makeup (The Last Showgirl). Guys, it’s not progress if you call it brave.
Documentaries finally realized the only way to make money is to just make them about cheerleaders. The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader doc showed the girls being treated horribly underpaid crying… I thought I’d opened a video on Hunter Biden’s laptop.
This is the Year everyone hated the movie ‘The Joker’, but if you do love watching men descend into insanity, in a couple hours you get to watch Andy Cohen do the countdown.
In 2024 some things left us, some came back, sanity left us… somehow crypto is back. Do you guys even know what crypto… No one thought the timing of crypto was fishy? As soon as women started making money they were like, ‘money’s over, money’s over.’ I’m like, ‘I don’t even know what crypto is. As far as I understand it’s just astrology for men…’ like I don’t now.
2024 election fried our brains. The Democrats couldn’t hold a primary because they were too busy holding a body upright.
Are we still rolling? Am I off?”
At this point Cohen tells her, “Go for it!”
“It was amazing that the pro-choice party didn’t give their voters one when it came to the presidential candidate. Kamala was forced on us so hard, you’d think she was patented by Pfizer or Moderna… whichever one’s…
Oh God. Andy just gave me a very scary look.”
Cohen yells, “NO!”, encouraging her to go on.
“Let me clear, let me be clear though, 2024 was not only negative. The media wants us to believe this country is so divided… but we actually came together a lot this year like as a nation we unanimously agreed that we would rather see JayLo in a toxic relationship than in concert. We all agreed the government totally knows what drones are and aren’t telling us. The drones are still up there and we have no idea what’s behind them. No idea? I mean they’re still up in the sky so I guess we can rule out that they were made by Boeing.
The point is, I think we all agree on a lot of things and since I only have a minute left live on establishment media why don’t we just say a bunch of things that we know that they’ll never cover.
Okay? Ready, go!
Trump shooter didn’t have any silverware in his house. No one thought that was weird?
Is… are we still rolling?
Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia put money into Disney so just know there won’t be any girl characters in the next ‘Cars’ movie.
Can I… are we still rolling? This is wild!
Um okay uh, um, the… why we have somebody’s president’s chef died? Weird!
‘Boy Scouts of America’, they renamed itself ‘Scouting America’. You know who else changed their name? Sean Combs! Just saying.
Let’s learn something in 2025.
I can’t believe you guys are still letting me go, this is amazing. I love CNN! Please stop me Andy because I will just keep going.”
At this point Cohen concludes, “Happy New Year Whitney Cummings!”
CONCLUSION:
If you have been reading me for a while you know I love old adages. One of those goes, “Money talks and bullsh*t walks,” which means in this CNN instance – no viewers means no advertiser money, and no advertiser money means people are not buying CNN messaging so they are in trouble.
“CNN To AXE HUNDREDS Of Employees In New Round Of LAYOFFS; MSNBC Suffers New Low” – The Hill
CNN has had to change its messaging to attack their own on the liberal left not because they want to, but because they have to.
© 2024 by Mark S. Schwendau
